Tag Archives: travel

Flying

This post was written 30,000 feet in American air space & published in retrospect. Flying to the other side of the world inspired this slightly bitter & exhaustion laden piece about air travel.

Right now I am sitting on a plane. By the time you read this I will have long ago disembarked my temporary jail cell of the sky, yet rest assured, as these words are being written I am very much submerged within the suffering inflicted on those needing to get to far away parts of the world.

Obviously made by a slightly racist, childless man. But nevertheless somewhat accurate.

Flying is shit. Let’s not roll a turd in sugar and try claim it will taste nice. It’s so bad. So very bad. I happen to have an intense phobia of flying, but that is neither here nor there right now. It is the most irrational part of my life. I’d like to kill some time (PLEASE GOD) exploring WHY flying is so shit. Please behold my musings from the sky:

 PEOPLE. People are everywhere, right? So why would people make flying shit? You are near people for the better part of everyday. Yes, true. But holy shit so many people. So many people in your personal space. STRANGERS, at that. So many people in your fucking grill for such a long god damn time. Oh, what true test of patience and tolerance does one ship of the sky bestow. Some dude putting his elbow on both rests. Quite an innocent gesture, on the ground. NOT IN THE SKY. IN THE SKY THIS MAKES YOU A FUCKING DEVIANT. HOW DARE YOU?! STICK TO YOUR MEAGRE PORTION OF PERSONAL SPACE YOU ASSHOLE. Please. Always fly with someone if you can, as even though you are sharing, this doubles personal space. And personal space is the currency of the sky.

SPACE. As previously mentioned, this shit could be a commodity in the air. Stake claim as you as you sit down. You weren’t the first to sit down? Oh. Suck shit. You will more than likely have less space than you were meant entitled to when you paid some humorous amount of money for your ticket. Like me right now. Elbows tucked in, personal belongings neatly on your lap, for five whole hours. Amazing.

One of my American Airlines flights. The plane was about 30 years old & much too likely to fall apart in the sky for my liking.

One of my American Airlines flights. The plane was about 30 years old & much too likely to fall apart in the sky for my liking.

PACKING. An anal retentive, organised person’s nightmare. Why? Because you’re fucking organised and that means packing something for every which situation that your over-active imagination could fathom. I really envy laid back people when it comes to flying. A long haul flight calls for a contingency for everything, and the kicker is it must all fit in your backpack. Currently I have a backpack with me that weighs as much as a five year old child who only eats chicken nuggets. I have something for everything in there. Including pyjamas. There is no pride when hauling your ass cross country.

PRIVACY. While we are on the topic of leaving your pride at the airplane door, it is worth noting that flying fucking sucks partly due to the lack of privacy. Someone is probably reading over my shoulder right now thinking “what a load of shit. What a loser. This bitch”. Such is the ways of flight. If you want 30 odd people to see you sleeping and drooling and in your rawest, ugliest state then flying is what you should do. But this matters not as I have a strict no-pride policy. It’s all about comfort. Because FLYING FUCKING SUCKS. Who cares. I would smear shit on myself if it somehow made flying an ounce more endurable. I would. Luckily human shit serves no foreseeable benefits so I won’t yet be pooping in my own hand and smothering it on my face. See what flying does to people? How did I even get to discussing wearing human faeces? I obviously hate flying a whole lot, as there is a running shit theme rearing it’s head.

A very small consolation. Breathtaking view of LA lights flying into LAX

A very small consolation. Breathtaking view of LA lights flying into LAX

 So what can you take from all of this? 

1. PEOPLE: they suck mostly. Avoid them as best as possible.

2. SPACE: take as much as you can. Would you rather be the selfish asshole or the stupid asshole? Just remember if you are the selfish asshole, you ARE going to hell (in moderate comfort). 

3. PACKING: try and be the disorganised, naive type who packs nothing yet gets by fine. Hippies.

4. PRIVACY: there is none. So don’t smear your poop on yourself. Everyone can see you. 

5. Cop it on the chin, and hope your destination is worth the hours of suffering. Which they usually are, or I wouldn’t be here right now. And I know I will always do it again, and illogically I cannot wait until next time. 

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Ohayo Gozaimasu

“OH-HI-OH GO-ZEYE-MUSS”- Hello, or hi, or good morning, or something. I don’t know. All I know is NO ONE said konnichiwa in Japan even though I said it about every 2.5 seconds.

EVERYONE should go to Japan. I went around this time last year & although most people were all like “why are you going there? What an odd place to decide to go” it was SO AWESOME WOW. SUPER KAWAII HAPPY FUN TIMES! Here is what I want to pass on to anyone who wants to go/is going/might go/doesn’t get why the hell you would go to Japan:

Like Christmas but BETTER

Like Christmas but BETTER

CATS CATS CATS CATS CATS
I am partial to a cat or 300. I LOVE cats. Cats are so funny & sometimes they’re really selfish & grumpy, which I really relate to. One second they want to be patted then they get sick of it & they will claw you & run away. This speaks to my soul. The Japanese love cats as much as I do, maybe even MORE (insane). They have what are called CAT CAFES. These are cafes filled with fricken CATS people. What was more fun while I was in Japan: Disneyland or the cat cafe? The cat cafe hands down. I had one of the most embarrassing experiences ever in Disneyland (coming up), even putting this fact aside the cat cafe was as if I had died & gone to lonely-lady heaven. It was in the most nondescript building in Kobukicho, I was concerned maybe we had misunderstood what a cat cafe was & we were going to be treated to the infamous fetishes of the Japanese people. Calico Cat Cafe was two stories, & filled with every which cat. Fluffy cats, munchkin cats, evil cats, sleepy cats, cats in bowls, cats fighting cats… CATS! Do you like cats? Go to Japan. If you do nothing else, go sip on some green tea while playing with 50 cats at the same time. Like heroin for the cat lover, but better.

Did, in fact, turn out to be a cafe full of cats & not the other kind of pussy...

Did, in fact, turn out to be a cafe full of cats & not the other kind of pussy. Photo bomb by me.

How does one find somewhere happier?

How does one find somewhere happier?

LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS
I know heaps of people say this back here in Australia, but I’m sorry, LEGGINGS ARE PANTS. I wear them as pants. Like, daily. It is acceptable to wear them as pants here, people aren’t going to stare & laugh. If your arse happens to be less than perfect then maybe someone might make a snide comment to their friend when you’re not looking but generally, leggings are pants okay. I treat leggings as pants. PLEASE, DO NOT WEAR LEGGINGS WITHOUT A SKIRT IN JAPAN. DO NOT DO IT. IF YOU’RE GOING TO DO IT JUST PUT ON STOCKINGS & NOTHING OVER THEM & GO OUT. I’M SO SERIOUS RIGHT NOW! How do I know this? I did it. I wore a top & stripy leggings to Sea Disney & wanted to cry all day. The amount of kawaii Japanese girls giggling & staring at me was excruciating. The more I paid attention to it, the more I realised that in Japan you MUST wear shorts or a skirt over leggings. That is what they are for. I wanted to throw myself into the sea surrounding the theme park & let it carry me into oblivion. I had done the equivalent of wearing stockings as pants, & never will I ever forget the embarrassment. The shame. It ruined my day. Leggings are not pants in Japan.

Me at Disneyland without proper pants. Also I am dressed in a Stitch cape. I can't believe I am showing the world this.

Me at Disneyland without proper pants. Also I am dressed in a Stitch cape. I can’t believe I am showing the world this.

CULTURALLY CONFUSED FOOD
I thought Australia’s version of ‘Chinese’ food was muddled up. The food in Japan is so insane (I’ll add in a good way, here). Would you like some sausages baked in mayonnaise in a German beer hall, all while you eat with chopsticks? TOO EASY, THAT IS THE SPECIALTY IN TOKYO! Some sort of animal’s penis fried up? (I didn’t experience anything like this, but people I know did) Seriously, way too easy. You’re going to have to try harder to stump these amazing people. You think of it, they have it. Also, the tiny supermarkets lining the streets were stocked with sushi on sushi on sushi. & bento boxes. They made for a really beautiful sight, in a spot as mundane to the locals as the sidewalk.

Yes please.

Yes please.

Role reversal: I took photos of everything. I was THAT tourist.

Role reversal: I took photos of everything. I was THAT tourist.

WHY YOU HAVE TO GO
I also sipped sake like a pro (I thought so anyway, I was drunk though). I sat in little lane way bars that were so skinny you could barely fit two people in its width. I ran around Tokyo in heels & got blisters the size of small children on the balls of my feet. I danced in a gay club with transsexuals who were hotter, & had bigger heels, than me. I made a wish on the wishing tree in a temple, & was touched to the core at the beauty & tranquility of the place. I saw a traditional Japanese wedding. I wrote directions into google translations at the start of each morning so the cab driver would understand me. I played with Japanese toys. I was stared at everywhere I went like some amazing oddity with blue eyes & a funny voice. There is a pattern emerging: I start off my posts laden with satire & end on a serious note. I’m sorry, I will try break that habit. But I simply can’t seriously let you know how beautiful, diverse, spiritual, & crazy this part of the planet is. The people are amazing. The food is amazing. The clubs are amazing. The sake is amazing. Even being laughed at was amazing. I would move to this place. I loved it that much.

Unsure when this post became about embarrasing myself. But, Sanrio Puroland! Home of hello Kitty!

Unsure when this post became about embarrassing myself. But, Sanrio Puroland! Home of Hello Kitty!

The home of Hello Kitty (HARO KITTI in Japanese) has a special place in my heart.

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